Labour Day - Part 1/Script
but Jen is sitting around the usual table. Caitlin: "Hey, Jonesy, did Jen's mom have the baby last night?" Jonesy: "Nah, still a few weeks to go." Jude: "Babies have it made, dudes. Free food and transportation. All from the comfort of your very own waterbed. If I was a baby, I'd stay inside forever." Jonesy: "Well, I'm tired of waiting for her to pop. I can't wait to say hello to little Jonesy Jr." Wyatt: appalled "Jonesy Jr.?!" Jonesy: "And what's wrong with that?" Nikki: "First of all, Jen's mom is having a girl." Caitlin: "Maybe she'll be called Jen Jr.!" Wyatt: "Or one of the other twelve billion possible baby names?" Jude: "Maybe you'll both be right. Maybe the baby'll be named Jenesy." Wyatt: "Jenesy?" Caitlin: "Yuck." Wyatt: "Worst name ever." Jonesy: "Oh, I don't know, how about Wyatt? That's a fake name if I ever heard one." Wyatt: "Fake? There have been plenty of famous Wyatts! Painters, cowboys–" Jonesy: "Come on, cowboys aren't real. They're fictional, like pirates and vikings." Caitlin: "What about Caitlin? That's a great name for a girl! You know, if she's pretty." Nikki: "And if she's not pretty?" Caitlin: "Then go with Bertha or something." Wyatt: up "I'm going to go grab my morning coffee. Does anyone want anything?" rushes up to her friends. Jen: "Mom is having the baby." Jude, Wyatt, Caitlin, and Nikki: "What?!?" Jonesy: a spittake "But she's not due for weeks!" Jen: "Try telling the baby that!" Jude: "Whoa." Caitlin: "What do we do first?" Wyatt: "Oh, wow." Jonesy: "We're not ready!" Jen: "Stop!" quiets. "She's on her way to the hospital right now, and we are ready! Now, let's go review the job assignments we got last week." Caitlin: "I call and notify everyone on the list. Oh no! I don't have the contact list with me!" Jen: her a paper "I have an extra. Jonesy!" Jonesy: "I w–I with–I take–g-get–" Jen: "Courtney brings Diego and Robbie to the hospital. You keep them out of trouble." Jonesy: "Right. Yes." Jen: "Wyatt." Wyatt: "Use the money we pitched in to get a gift for your mom and the baby." Jen: "Nice!" phone rings. "Jude." Jude: "Hang on." answers the phone. "Aloha, this is Jude." Caitlin: "Jen's mom is having the baby!" Jude: "What? But she's not due for weeks!" Jen: "Caitlin!" Caitlin: "He's on the list!" hang up. Jen: "Focus, people, this is not another drill! This is the real deal! Jude!" Jude: "Pictures! Always always always have my camera on me! Take pictures of the baby!" Jen: "Nikki?" Nikki: "Make sure Jude always has his camera and takes pictures of the baby." Jen: "Good." Jude: "That's your job assignment?!?" Nikki: "Sad but true, my friend." Jen: "Okay. You guys head to the hospital. I need to tell Coach I'm not coming to work today. I'll meet you there." Jude: "I feel Nikki's job assignment reflects poorly on me. Where is the trust? Would I let you down? Has there ever been a t–" Jen: "Do you have your camera with you." blinks and sits down. Nikki heaves a sigh and slides a camera over to Jude. Jude: the camera "Yes I do!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Labour Day Part 1' ---- ''but Jen rushes into the hospital lobby. Penalty Box Customer: the receptionist "Excuse me, I–" Jonesy: him off "We're looking for Emma Garcia's–ow!" Nikki: Jonesy's arm "Masterson!" Jonesy: "Emma Masterson-Garcia's room." receptionist slowly looks through her book of patients. Caitlin: "C'mon, let's go!" walks up and pinpoints the name. "Room 216." Receptionist: them "No running!" five walk past the desk and break into a run as soon as the receptionist's back is turned. ---- is explaining the situation to her boss. Coach Halder: "Her what partner?" Jen: "Lamaze. It's a technique used in birthing. Jonesy's dad is away on business a lot, so I took the classes with my mom in case he was out of town, which he is, so I need to–" Coach Halder: "Fine. Whatever. Go. But if you ask me, women have it too easy nowadays, with their fancy lamanze classes and their hospitals. And the beds that go up and down. Why, when my mother had me, she was at work." Jen: "Really?" Coach Halder: "Yep. Why, I was born right there, right where you're standing." Jen: "Eww!" Coach Halder: "It was messy. But very poignant. Yep, she just scooped me up and finished her shift." laughing "I love that woman. She says that's the day I made my first sale." Halder walks away. Jen stares at the spot again. Jen: "Ew." ---- five are walking towards Emma's room. Caitlin is still calling people. Jonesy and Jude see two wheelchairs and stop as the other three go by. Jude: "Why walk–" Jonesy: "When you can ride?" high-five. Ahead of them, Caitlin hangs up. Caitlin: "Alright. Everyone who was supposed to know, knows." Nikki: "Hey Jonesy, you could–" stops. Neither Jude or Jonesy are anywhere near. Wyatt: "Why does this not surprise me?" Caitlin: "Should I call and find out where they are?" Wyatt: "I don't think you're supposed to use your cell phone in hospitals." Caitlin: "Don't be silly, Wyatt. That's microwaves, not hospitals." Nikki: skeptical "You're not supposed to use a cell phone in a microwave?" Caitlin: "See? Nikki knows." Wyatt: sighing "I really need a coffee." ---- and Jude wheel through the hospital at high speed. Jonesy: "This is fun." Jude: "It's like a chair, but it's on wheels. A wheel''chair!" ''two pass a couple. Sideburns: "Watch it!" Mimi: "You jerks!" Jonesy: "Hey, this would be a great way to make some coin! Wheelchair races!" Jude: "Right on! We got the chairs. All we need now are volunteers. CLEAR!" two narrowly miss a nurse carrying trays of food. She has to throw the trays into the air, and they end up breaking, with food splattering all over her. Jonesy: "No way this could go wrong!" nurse growls. ---- runs up to an escalator. Her phone rings. Jen: "Hello?" Caitlin: "Jen? Where are you?" Jen: "On my way. What's happening, how's my mom?" Emma: calmly "Tell her I'm doing fine, the contractions are still quite–" pained "FAR! APART!" Caitlin: "Your mom says she's doing–fine." Jen: "Well what's happening?" Nurse: "No cell phone use in the hospital, please." Caitlin: "Ssh!" Jen "The doctor told us she's not ready to deliver yet, but that she is in labor and that it could happen at any time." Jen: "How far apart are the contractions?" Caitlin: her hand over her phone "How far apart are the contractions?" Nikki: "Ew! I dunno. Gross." Emma: "They're about four and a half minutes apart. And Nikki? I can hear you." Nikki: "Sorry." Caitlin: "Did you get that?" nurse angrily comes out of Emma's curtained-off bed and points at a sign banning cell phone usage. Jen: "Yes." Caitlin: "So jump in a taxi and get down here. Oh, and Jonesy and Jude have–" nurse takes Caitlin's phone, hangs up for her, and hands the phone back. Caitlin: "Rude!" Jen: "Jonesy and Jude have what? Caitlin?" sighs, ends her call, and gets on an escalator. A guy comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. Nathan: "Hi, uh, we don't know each other, and I don't want to freak you out, but I really have to tell you something." Jen: "Okay." Nathan: "Your shoes are untied, and I think you're about to get stuck." Jen: "Huh?" takes a gander at her shoelaces, which are indeed stuck in the escalator. Jen: "Oh no!" tries to pull herself free. "I'm trapped! Stop the escalator! Stop it!" runs ahead and stops the escalator. "Go get help! Please hurry!" runs off while Jen continues to struggle. "Come on!" straining "Let! Me! Go!" ---- is getting a cup of joe from a vending machine. Wyatt: "Sweet, sweet caffeine machine." takes a sip and soon spits it out. "I stand corrected! This is awful!" Wheelchair Racer #1: "WOO!" two racers pass Wyatt. He falls over and spills coffee all over himself. Wyatt: "Great. Just great." two racers cross a finish line, and the spectators cheer. Jonesy: "Booyah, Bruno!" gets up to hi-five a fan, and his gown parts, revealing his butt. Jonesy: "Yikes." ---- cheering carries to the reception desk. Security Guard: happy "Gosh, sure seems like someone's having fun out there." Nurse: "Isn't that against the rules?" Security Guard: sad "Yes." depressed "I'll, um, I will look into it." walks away. ---- is still stuck on the escalator. Jen: "Hello? Attractive guy? You there?" Darth: her "You called?" Jen: her eyes "Darth. I guess you'll do. Can you help me? I'm stuck." Darth: "Are you sure I'm attractive enough to help you?" Jen: "Uh, yes?" raises an eyebrow. Jen: "Yes. You're attractive, okay?" Darth: "Into my Record-O-Pen, please." holds it out. Jen: annoyed "Fine!" the pen "Darth is attractive. Now can you help me?" takes the pen and plays back the recording. Recorded Jen: "Darth is attractive." Jen: "Just cut me loose." Recorded Jen: "Darth is attractive." Jen: "Darth!" Darth: "Before knives and other such tools, man relied on the only cutting device available to him. His teeth." gets down and begins chewing on Jen's shoelaces. Jen: "Ooh, you are so weird!" good-looking guy comes back with scissors. "Just hurry, okay? Get it! Rrr! Get it!" gets her right foot free. "Good work, Darth! Good boy!" snips his scissors. "Oh! Hey! I wasn't sure you were coming back. This must look weird." gets Jen's other foot free. "Ah! You did it! Thank you!" Darth: out the laces "Have you ever considered some sort of odor-eating insole?" Jen: Nathan "These are my work shoes! And I'm under a lot of stress and–um–I don't like him." Recorded Jen: "Darth is attractive." Jen: "That was, uh–" slumps. ---- Emma, Caitlin, and a doctor are talking over procedure. Nikki: "Me? In the delivery room? Oh, n-n-n-n-no. Her daughter Jen is her breathing coach. I'm just a friend. Jen's on her way." Emma: "Don't worry, Jen will get here." walks into the room, scrubbing at his sweater. He sniffs the air and smiles. What he is smelling is the doctor's cup of coffee. Wyatt: "What have we here?" Caitlin: "Oh, yeah, I'm sure Jen is on her way. I'll call her and see." takes out her phone. Doctor: "You can't use your cell phone here. But there are pay phones down the hall." notices Wyatt sniffing at his coffee mug and pulls it away. Caitlin: "Pay phones? Ew! What are we, cavemen?" Nikki: "Um, cavemen didn't use pay phones." Caitlin: "See? Even cavemen didn't use pay phones." begins texting. The doctor looks back at Wyatt. Wyatt: "Doesn't smell like the coffee from the machine." nurse steps in, slaps Caitlin's phone shut, and leaves. Caitlin: "I was texting, not calling! What is with these people?" doctor backs away from Wyatt and is confronted by Nikki. Nikki: "Look, doctor–" the nametag "–uh, Dusty, even if Jen doesn't show up, I can not go into the delivery room. Between you and me, babies kinda creep me out." gasps. Caitlin: "Nikki!" Nikki: over to Emma "Oh, but not your baby, of course! I'm sure your baby won't be gross at all!" Emma: "Thank you, Nikki." Nikki: "Yeah...babies in general, kinda grody. Sorry." Courtney: in "Um, where is Jonesy? These two brats are making me crazy!" and Diego run into the room. Nikki: relieved "Great! Oh, doctor Dusty, this is her daughter!" Doctor: "Good, you're the breathing coach!" Courtney: "No, I'm the pretty one. And you must be the doctor, so...hello." her hair "I'm Courtney." Emma: "Hi Courtney!" Nikki: sighing "Yeah, hi Courtney, so glad you're here to 'help'." Doctor: the still-sniffing Wyatt "Cafeteria. You can get one in the cafeteria." ---- and Jonesy's races are still going strong. Jude: "Everyone, welcome to wheelchair club. There are only two rules at Wheelchair Club. Rule 1: Don't. Talk. About Wheelchair Club. Rule 2–" Jonesy: "Uh, Jude? Can we move this along?" Jude: his throat "Time for race #3! Conway is a sixty-six year old, and suffers from...Irritable Bowel Syndrome!" farts. Jonesy: disgusted "Okay, Grandpa! Try to leave a little gas in the tank!" Jude: "He is racing Vlad, a sixty-three year old with...Mon–Mononuke–nuke–nucleousis!" Jonesy: his hands off Vlad "Alrighty then. Race fans, time to place your bets." posts a betting sheet. "Ten on Vlad, you got it, twenty-five on Conway, yes ma'am, fifteen for Vlad, check!" chuckles. "Genius!" ---- runs through the mall in her sock-clad feet. Nathan catches up to her. Jen: "Has no one ever told you not to run with scissors in your hands?" Nathan: "Come to think of it, yeah." ditches the scissors in a potted plant. "So why are you under a lot of stress?" Jen: "My mom is at the hospital about to have a baby and I'm her breathing coach so I have to help–" slips. "AAAAAHHHHH!" Nathan: "Wet floor!" crashes into a mannequin display. Jen: "Ohh..." ---- is flirting with the doctor. Courtney: "I was kinda thinking about going to med school. Do I need to take science courses to get in?" Nikki: annoyed "Oh, this is perfect." and Caitlin look over to Diego and Robbie, who have found a blood pressure gauge. Diego is using it on Robbie's neck. Caitlin: "Should we stop them?" Nikki: "I say we let nature take its course." Caitlin: "Where is Jonesy? He's supposed to be looking after those two!" Nikki: "Okay, my main concern right now is that Jen shows up so I don't get dragged into the delivery room! Barf!" Emma: "I can still hear you, Nikki." Nikki: "Oh, sorry..." to Caitlin "I have to stop doing that!" Caitlin: "Yeah. You really should." Emma: "Don't be afraid, girls. Giving birth is a–" pain "–beautiful! Oh miracle GAAH!" phone rings. Nikki: "Please let it be Jen please let it be Jen please let it be Jen." nurse clears her throat from the doorway. She points at the no cell phones sign. Caitlin: "Oh come on! Really? This is someone calling me! Surely that changes things." nurse points at the sign harder. "Fine! I get it! Okay! I get it! RRR!" Nikki: between Caitlin and Robbie "Wow. Who's gonna blow first?" faints. Caitlin storms out of the room, growling, along the way passing the doctor and Courtney. Courtney: flirting "She's so mad." Nikki: "Um, okay, is there a doctor in the house?" Emma: "Is everything okay out there?" Nikki: "Oh! Yeah!" ---- is not okay for Jen, who has been placed in mall jail. Ron: the charges "Destruction of mall property, and a flagrant disregard for mannequin life." Jen: "Ron, please! I'm not lying to you! My mom is having a baby, and I'm her breathing coach!" Ron: "Give me one iota of proof, young lady!" Jen: "Ugh! Just call St. Michael's Hospital and ask for Emma Masterson-Garcia!" holds her arm out of the cell, phone in hand. Ron is about to take it when alarms go off. Ron: his console "There's a 21-18 in progress! Kids shaking a gumball machine!" the office "I'll deal with you later." Jen: "Wait! You have to let me out!" door shuts. "GUUUHH!" ---- is texting in a janitor's closet, away from the watchful eyes of the nurse. Caitlin: "Getting closer, where r u? Send." waiting "C'mon, c'mon..." phone receives a text back. "In jail?!?" door swings open on Caitlin. Framed in the doorway is the nurse. Caitlin: "Oh, hi. I was just, you know–" nurse takes the phone from her. Caitlin: "Hey! You can't do–" nurse confiscates the phone. "That." door shuts. "Jail?" ---- has just gotten a mug of coffee from the cafeteria. Wyatt: "Finally! Come to papa." takes a sip, retches, and spits it out. He looks over to the cafeteria worker. "Where do you keep your napkins?" shrugs. "I'm sorry. I've been trying to find a decent cup of coffee all day. This? Is horrible. Did you make it?" Misha: nodding "Hmm-hmm." Wyatt: "Well have you tried it?" Misha: her head "Hmmp. I don't drink coffee." Wyatt: "What? How can you make good coffee if you don't even drink it? How?" Misha: "Can you show me how to do it right?" bats her eyelashes. Wyatt: disturbed "Uh..." ---- is steeling herself for a horrid ordeal. Caitlin: "C'mon, Caitlin. You've gotta find out what's going on. You can do this!" is staring down a row of pay phones. Caitlin: "You can be common!" walks up to the first phone in line, credit card in hand. Caitlin: "Oh for Pete's sake. Coins?" fishes in her pocket. Finding a quarter, she inserts it. "Eww." gingerly picks up the phone. "Is that–" sniffing "Bad breath? Eww!" the phone away "I can't do it! Don't make me!" ---- is teaching Misha to make coffee. Wyatt: "Okay. The water-to-grounds ratio should be no more than ten to one. So, you take the scoop and–" Misha: her way into his arms "Show me how. Guide me." his hair "Be my hands, and eyes." Wyatt: "Uh...okay. I guess." turns on the radio. Wyatt starts guiding her. "Well, the grounds go into the designated filter drawer, like this." Misha: "Oh, so gentle." Wyatt: "Yeah. Anyway, you can mix a dark roast with a medium–" medium-skinned Misha pulls the darker-skinned Wyatt close. "–or not! No mixing! None. We just close the drawer and turn it on." Misha: a finger along Wyatt's body "Oh yeah, baby. Turn it on!" pulls Wyatt into a kiss. Misha's Boss: "Misha! For the last time, no customers behind the counter!" lets go of Wyatt, who makes a break for it. ---- Caitlin: through the hospital "I have got to get my phone back." a cell-phone ban sign "Stop following me!" Jonesy: "Caitlin, look out!" and Conway are headed right for Caitlin. The security guard from earlier steps up with his hand out. Security Guard: Caitlin aside "Please apply your brakes in an orderly fashion." brakes aren't steady enough, and the two crash into the guard. The crash goes sailing into the other spectators, and all of them hit the floor in pain. The security guard stands up and hauls Jonesy and Jude out. Jonesy: "We're busted!" Jude: "Hospital rent-a-cop?" Security Guard: worried "Are you two okay? Please tell me you're not hurt." Jonesy: "We're okay. Are you...okay?" Security Guard: "Oh, thanks for asking! So nice. You two crazy hijinks pranksters better come with me." security guard walks away, whistling happily as he goes. Jude and Jonesy shrug and follow him. Stuart Goldstein: "My noggin hurts! Ow!" ---- and Jude are standing in a hall, being lectured by the security guard. Security Guard: "I feel so bad. You two are having fun, and making money. You're not bad kids. You're entrepreneurs. And you're my new best friends." pulls them into a hug. Jonesy: strangled "Okay. Okay." Jude: crushed "Okay." Security Guard: "That's why this is all so unfair. According to the rules, I have to remove you from the hospital!" begins crying. "The hospital! But you're such good friends! I just wish there was some loophole!" throws his rulebook on the ground. "Stupid rules!" cries as he stomps on the book. Jude: "This dude is creepy nice." Jonesy: "Dude, we can not get kicked out of here. When I distract him, you bolt left, I'll go right." loudly "What a cute puppy!" Security Guard: clapping "Oh! Where? I just love pup–hey." realizes the two have left. Jonesy: Jude next to him "You were supposed to go left!" Jude: "I totally left, dude, that's how come I'm here with you right now." Jonesy: "Just keep running." ---- is ticking by. Nikki is alone in the room with the pregnant lady. Emma: "So Nikki, have we heard from Jen?" Nikki: "No. But you're fine, right? Lots of time before the baby comes, right? Jen'll be here any second, and then I won't have to go into the delivery room with you, right? Great, right? I mean, am I right or am I right?" Emma: "Where did Courtney go?" Nikki: "Uh, I believe she's having lunch with your doctor." Emma: "What about Robbie and Diego?" Nikki: "Uh, I'm sure they're fine." ---- and Diego are blasting each other with fire extinguishers. ---- is putting on some gloves. Caitlin: "Jail. Wheelchair races. Cell phone theft?" a surgical mask "Things are out of control!" makes a call on a pay phone. Inside the mall's jail cell, Jen's phone rings. Jen: "Hello?" Caitlin: "Jen!" Jen: "Caitlin, what's happening?" Caitlin: "Courtney's hitting on the doctor, Jonesy's running wheelchair races, your mom is gonna pop any minute, and Nikki's freaked 'cause the doc wants her in the delivery room!" Jen: "Caitlin, listen to me." Caitlin: "Wait. You haven't heard the worst part. I'm on a pay phone!" Jen: "Listen! Tell Jonesy to take control and stop clowning around! And tell my mom and Nikki that I will figure this out and get there in time, I promise!" tries to pull the phone away from her ear and realizes that gum is stuck to both. Caitlin: calmly "Okay. I have to hang up now, because a piece of gum is touching my ear." Jen: "What?" Caitlin: the phone "Ewwww." away "AAAAAHHHHH!!!" Jen: "Caitlin? Hello?" sees someone outside her cell. "You!" Nathan: "Glad to see me?" Jen: "No! Every time you show up, something goes wrong! I get stuck on an escalator! I wipe out mannequins! I get locked in jail! For someone so good-looking, you sure are bad luck!" Nathan: "You think I'm bad luck?" Jen: "Yes. But I also said you were good-looking." Nathan: "Yeah, but you think the weird guy who chewed your shoes off is good-looking, so–" Jen: "That's not wh–what are you doing here?" Nathan: "Your mom is having a baby, right? Well, we've got to get you out of here." Jen: "You're busting me out?" Nathan: "I'm gonna go with keys over dynamite, is that okay with you?" claps. ---- walks back in with clean ears and is instantly confronted by Nikki. Nikki: "Where were you?" Caitlin: "A piece of pre-chewed gum was touching my–" Nikki: "I don't care! Just never leave again. I can not be here alone with her! She's–full of baby!" Emma: "Any sign of Jen? OW! HURT! OOH!" Nikki: to Caitlin "Those moans are getting closer together!" Caitlin: whispering "Jonesy and Jude are running wheelchair races, and Jen is not on her way. She's in jail!" Nikki: shocked "Jail?" Emma: out "Jail?" is very bedraggled. Nikki: "HWAAH!" Emma: "Jen is in jail?" Caitlin: "Would you like me to do your makeup? I mean, do you really want the baby to see you looking like that? First impressions are so important." Emma: "GAHOOF!" pulls the curtain shut again. Wyatt walks in with a gift-wrapped box. Wyatt: "I got the present!" Nikki: "Great! Finally someone is doing something useful!" Caitlin: "What is it?" Wyatt: "A coffeemaker!" Nikki: "Uh, that is what you got for Jen's mom and the baby? A coffeemaker!" Wyatt: "Care for a cup of coffee, Mrs. Masterson?" Emma: "No thank you, WyyyYYYYYAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!!" Wyatt: the box "Well, someone should make sure it works." Nikki: sighing "Make me one too." Caitlin: "Does it do lattes?" ---- runs into the elevator, Nathan in hot pursuit. Jen is on the phone. Jen: "Caitlin? Answer." elevator starts moving. "Rrr! Darn reception!" Nathan "Thanks for helping me out. I must seem crazy to you, but I'm not usually insane." giggles. "I'm usually very nice." doesn't reply. "I'm really very nice." Nathan: his hand "Nathan." Jen: herself "Jen." elevator suddenly clatters and grinds to a stop. Jen: "What did you do? We're stuck?!? NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- To Be Continued... Category:Season 4